my love

My love
A bride’s tense thoughts

What is he like?
What did he say?
How come you did not tell us all the way?
Did you see him before?
Or is it only today
Questions and questions
Questions from friends
That made my think of him
Him again
Tall and handsome
With a winning smile
Grinning and waving
Feeling a bit shy
Walking across with a hesitant gait
Holding my hand with cold wet hand
He was there
There for me
Standing like an assurance
Standing like a god
Standing all along
To take my hand again
To get to know a person
Isn’t easy at all
Now I am bound
Bound by the heart
Now I am attached
Attached through my love
It’s me he will turn to
For comfort and for love
It’s me he will remember
While resting somewhere
Lost in his thoughts
Removed away alone
It will be me and
Me alone in him
Filling him and
Raising the sceptre to beyond
It will take my effort
With will of course needed again
It will make a woman of me
The quest to live upto him
It will make my life wholesome
It will make it full and gay
It will make my whole throb
And make my heart rise
After the marriage
I don’t think I’ll care anymore
I will be different
I will be great
I will be there with an upright spine
I will be there with my newest gain
I will be the centre
The centre of the world
I will in fact own it
Own a world of my own
I will make it a happy home
Home for comfort and love
I will be there when needed most
I will be there whether asked or not
It will be me that you will reckon
For it will be me
And my world!!!
***********************************

I love you

A feeling of oneness
A longing pain in the heart
A lost look in the eyes
Heavy feeling all over
With no mind for anything
Does that make love?
Who knows?

Loyalty for one person
Faith in one man
Submission to someone else
That more than covers your own self
Sticking to one in body and mind
Does that make love?
Who knows?

Do I remember you often?
Do I cry for you at night?
Do I make everyone look like you?
Do I spend sleepless nights?
Do I die to be with you?
Just one more time
Do I then love you?
Who knows?

I sit with a pen without words
I sit with you without fear
I want to touch you but am stayed in the path
My heart skips a beat
My tongue goes dry
My eyes pop out
My self is energised
Do I love you?
Who knows?

I like you when I see you
I love you when I think of you
I’m lost in thought when I remember you
I crash against all and sundry
When your vision is in my mind’s eye
I say it often
To myself
To the walls around
To the pillows and bed
To the curtains to the air
I love you
Like hell
I love you!!!

I am mad after you
I am sad ‘cause you aren’t here
I want you with all my being
I’d do anything just to see you
To feel you to love you
I love you lady
I love you indeed!

Just to see you a longing hope
Just to touch you to feel you with me
To see your photo the smiling angel
To think of you the sweet memory
To come to like you a goal accomplished
Well I love you
I love you
I do love you


I hear a crackle
A shy covert smile
A tear in the eye
A heaving sigh
A moving heart
The moist lips
The lost look again
I know my love
You are with me
In thought and feeling
In dream and life
In thought and action
‘you are with me
You are with me
Why! You are with me
I love you
Well did I say that
You love me
Do you?
***************************

Who are you


Who are you my love?
The body with all its splendour
The curves the shapes
The sizes and the glow
Is that you?


The hair long and black
Wavy and strong
Tying itself in knots
Covering my face
Covering the eyes
Is that you?


The texture of your skin
The softness of it at places
The rough edges at corners
The tingling life it gives to my touch
The taut beauty it gives your face
Is that you?

The eyes the dark pools of sea
The eternal depths of lure
The widow to your love and lust
The handshake that never fails
The glow that never fades
Is that you?

The lips the quivering cups of honey
The pouting gates of heaven
The inviting pair
The sneering sentinels
The guards to your mind
Is that you?


The neck and shoulders
Beauty they are for beholders
The curve of the shankh
The touch of the skin
The strength of the bull
Is that you?

The cups of milk that yield to pressure
That jump and sway
That lift and sag
That spread and stay
Is that you?

The nipple the top of the mountain
The flag atop the fort
The responding duo
That stand up to the slightest touch
That waver quiver and run amuck
That pass on the feelers that I’m here
Is that you?

The navel soft centre of the body
The curves that signal the beginning of another part
The swift ups and downs all around
All fingers lead into it
All tongues but end in it
Is that you?

The mount soft and padded
Richly supplied with nerves of passion
The up that never lets you down
The inviting place
The challenging pyre
Is that you?

The hips the dancing couple
The handful of them
The touch that makes them giggle
The pinch that makes them swirl
The slap that brings out the red
Is that you?

The legs shapely and strong
The twigs that twine around
The willing duo that open up on demand
The fighting spirits that reflect every heave and move
Is that you?

The smile the giggle
The mirth and the laughter
The anger the pity
The sloth and the excellence
Is that you?

I do not know
What is that I know as you
Who is that I love
May be all
May be none
May be your compassion
The faith in your eyes
The cool reassurance that you are mine
The clasp of the hand
The resting of your head on my chest
The love you reflect
The care you take
The time you spend fussing over me
That is you
The inner you that matters
I love you the one that is YOU!
************************************


NEW LIFE

A new chapter has begun
A new life
The days of hesitation
Of wet palms
Of shaky legs
Of pumping arteries
And twiddling thumbs
Are gone
Gone forever

I am happy to be with her
To touch her
To speak to her
To hide my face in the hair
To lock on to those beautiful limbs
No one fear
No one to avoid
No time to plan
No place to search
She’s there at an arm’s length
The smiling face
Willing arms
Eager looks
And pretty sounds
I got over the start
The start of a new life
The opening up of a heaven unknown
The search for the nectar
The exertion of holding on to the beauty

I took a deep breath
She enquired a questioning glance
I turned my face away
Out came her searching arms
I hid my face in sleep
She was there consoling and cajoling
I put on the feigned anger
She was all tears and pity
I worked harder
She bade me stop
I pushed myself
She was there to help
I was in gloom
She was there to share
I was hurt
She was open for me to hide
Any time, any place, any where
She is but a glance away.

I have begun to feel
Happy with her
To feel one with her
To think her
To be her!

I have no time now
No time for friends galore
No time for silly dames around
No time for dancing dolls on screen
No time for the fights of no avail
No time for anything
But her
Her words
Her looks
Her sweat
Her smell
But her
But her!
A new life has begun
Indeed!!!
****************************

I won’t I will

I wont
I wont
I wont talk to him
I wont let him touch
I wont let him see
I wont let him say
I will
I will
I will make him repent

I will be silent
Look he is coming this way
Pity what a pity
He must be worried
He is worried
He is sorry
He wants to befriend
He wants to cajole

Fool
A fool I am
I will not relent
I will not turn towards him
Look he is expecting
He is smiling
He knows my mind
My god! How he reads me

No
Never
I wont let my self be taken
I am upto him
I know the tricks
I know the methods of men
I know the frailty of women
I am tough
I am tougher than him
I will not bow
I will not give up
I will fight for my rights
I will make him feel
Fell for his indifference
He was so clumsy
He was absent minded
He forgot my needs
He forgot
He forgot without guilt
How dare he treat me so
I will show
I will show him
I will tell him to pass on
Go on help your self
You need a soup
Go fetch it your self
You need my help
Who is me to help
I wont
I wont listen
Look he is a fool
Couldn’t find even a soap
Pity he needs my help
What is wrong?
I will ! Just this one time
Here , here is your soap
I will turn back
I am angry again
Is it me?
I have never known anger
He made me so
I am good
I am angry
Look he needs a towel
Oh ! He is all wet
He will fill the room
Hurry here is the towel
Pity ,pity
What a pliable man
What clear eyes
What good manners
I will allow him to cajole me
Just this one time
I should love him
He needs me
I love him
I love him.
****************************

Oh! Next time

I saw him off today
I returned home
Nay room
Gloomy and empty
The place haunts me
Here he was catching my hand
Her he touched me
Here we enjoyed together
Here we bathed together
Here I was angry with him
Here he repented
Here he cajoled me

I have to go back
Back to work
It is such a torture
I feel hungry
I have to cook
Oh! How boring
Here he sat with me
Here he ate from my hand
Here he drank from my cup
Oh! How he held me from behind
I had spilt all the contents
I forgot to add spice
Oh! How he ate it
No complaints he said
What a good nature
I know it was bad
I wont cook
But I have to
I have to make bed
Oh! The torture
He was here just a moment back
Here he caught my saree
Here he slipped it off
Oh! Naughty
Fast work eh?

Here I was struggling to hold on to my bra
Here he was standing to hold me
Here he was fighting off my shyness
Here he was kissing me to heaven
Oh! The feeling of fire all over
OH1 the torture remembering it
Here he kissed me
Here he held me tight
Here we had sex together
Once twice
Oh! A no of times
How he knows my moods
How he chose his ways
How he liked me
How he made me enjoy
Always thinking of me
Always comforting me
I feigned pain he was all concern
I feigned anger he was so sorry
Oh! The scratch here
Oh! How I bit on his chest
It must have hurt
Oh! The smiling companion
Ever smiling
Ever forgiving
Ever persevering
Thus bed was hi
This pillow
How can I sleep here
Can I
I cannot
But I have to
God! Let me feel him
Just one time
Let me be him
Let me fill him
Just one time
I will remember your kindness
But how
Oh! It cannot be
Oh! What a pity he had to be away
I will make up for my lapses
I had not shown enough concern
I forgot to hive him his milk
I forgot to make him his dish
I was lazy to fetch him water
I was indifferent when he sought me
I will now make it up to him
The next time
I will be all concern
I will fuss over him
I will cover him in love
I will cover him in kisses
I will make him a happy home
A happy time
I will
I will
Next time.
*************

I remember

I remember
The soft, soft touch
The warm, warm, warm smile
The colour in your eyes
The clasp and the hug so natural
The jumping eagerness to comfort me
I remember
The desire of pouting lips and flaming breath
The demanding hug
The leading finger
The ecstasy in your face
The half closed eyes
The pumping of blood --- red


I remember
The failure of balkishan
The hurt in your face
The anger in your eyes
The averted looks
The steely posture
The turned back
The stony silence
The bated breath
The intense hate
The closed eyes
And flaming nostrils
The hurt ego
The drowsy mind
The long wait
Day long hours
The drama of action
Of daily routine

I remember
The movement with care
The forgiveness that is there
The pitying mother
The cajoling wife
The clasp from behind
The compliment that struck
“you too know to be silent’

I remember
The agony of failure
The struggle to liven up
The short cuts galore
The clumsy mistakes
The pushing of it
The growing of it
The slackening of it
The search of strength
The search for reason
The pouring in of food and milk
The repeated reference
The obvious inference
The resigned look
The comforting palm

I remember
The care for loss
The caution on gain
The love to give
The care to please
One that are hard to please

I remember
I remember
My lady that smiles
My lady that plays
I remember
‘I will not play’
I remember
‘you are hard to please’
I remember
I remember
The willing ness to obey
The eagerness to serve
The pressure to protect and preserve
The marrying of duties and feelings

I remember
Your lap
The comforting hips and thighs
The nursing rhythm of movement
The moist eyes
The covering hair
The bent back
The soft breasts
The sweat little nothings
The preachings and poems
The songs of the past
The rhythm of our making
I remember
I remember
I remember

I remember
Your hand in my hand
You beside me in the rickshaw
You in the movie hall

I remember
Your tall presence
The pretty face
In my lap
On my chest
Across my face

I remember
Your love
Your care
And you my love

I remember
In sleep
In office
In the movie hall
With friends and alone
While trying to strengthen
The shaking hands
While trying to reduce
The spreading middle

I remember
I want to feel how you feel
I want to touch the way you touch
I want to kiss the way you kiss

I am joked about
I am ridiculed
But I remember
You my love
Day and night
Awake or asleep
I remember
*************


Will I

Will he be here tomorrow?
Reason says
But yes I am sure he will
I feel it deep within
It is such a trouble
It is so costly
He shouldn’t be wasting money
I would feel so lonely
How I wish he were here
He should be here anytime
He will be here tomorrow
Should I
Should I make this trip?
I had just been back
I haven’t even finished any thing
I told her I would only make it later
Well sooner or later
I would be laughed at
I know
But how I will miss her
I would make a mockery of myself
I know
But isn’t her touch worth it all
I had told them
I would trip only once a month
So what?
A month it will be
It may not be
Who cares?
Who’s keeping the account?
I should
I should make it
Rush, will I? To book a seat
At least book it and think
I hadn’t informed anybody
How queer it will be
Does it really matter
Who is bothered where you go
And
What is wrong?
Can’t you follow your reason?
Stand up to your feelings
I feel like it
Yes
I feel like it
I will make this trip
Today!!!
************

I have gone berserk

I have gone berserk
Yes
I have gone berserk
I run around in circles
I think but in circles
I speak but all riddles
I meet people but once, alas, in a while
I walk all starry eyed
I sit with open sleeping eyes
I look at girls but with a sighing sight
I take breath but a heaving sigh
I go over to others
I go over to all places
Without purpose without end
I am here
I am there
I am every where
Not knowing why
Not bothering how
I live here
But by mistake
I eat here
But without heart
I try
Try to read again
I open books
I pile them up
I stack them again

I write my name
I add yours as after thought
I write your name
I repeat it a hundred times
I write it straight
Upside down
I write it again
To form you and me
I make up all thoughts
I make up all my dreams
Make them full
Full of you

I drive men mad
Ladies are too lazy to respond
I repeat it often
To everyone around
I am mad
Mad for my wife

They turn around
Joke through the day
Sigh with me in mock unision
They wish me luck
Luck to be with you
Luck to kiss you
Luck to be one with you

My sister says so
My brother says so
My friend and my neighbour
Os sir, you have gone berserk
I know I nod I agree
Yes I have gone berserk

I don’t want to re-enact
The tale of my madness
I thought I was different
I thought no emotions ruled me
I challenged all passions to control me
Your love
My love for you
My love
Has won me over
Bound me tight
Bound me in knots
With invisible thread
Well I am proud
I am proud and have
Gone berserk!!!
******************

Do I know you?

Do I know you
The affable face
The comforting smile
The reassuring clasp
The moist eyes
The wide chest and pumping heart
The warm embrace
I thought I know you
But
Do I know you

You agreed with me always
You fancied my ways
You would not say ‘no’ never
You would accede now and here
I had come to know you thus
I had come to trust you thus
I had come to believe you thus
But
Do I know you?

‘you are mine’ you said once
You would not think separately
You would not feel alone
You would not let me down
I thought you meant it
I knew you would stick to it
But
Do I know you?
----- Enough?

The roles so different
The world so large
The pulls so strong
That cloud emotions
The choice that doesn’t exist
The tough line to take
The big letdown
Do I then, know you?

The roles are so different
The world so large
The pulls so strong
That cloud emotions
The choice that doesn’t exist
The tough line to take
The big letdown
Do I then know you?

I had penned my hopes
I would follow you blindly
I would never deviate
I would never go it alone
You concurred
You agreed
But -----
Do I then know you?

The feeling remains
The emptiness haunts
The taste so harsh
Wouldn’t leave
The hollow and heavy stomach
The sapped energy
The lack of will to do anything
I hope, I had known you
Known you better
Do I know you?

May be you would come back
May be you will reassure
May be you will fulfil
You would make me happy
You run errands for me
You would attend to my whims
Make me feel great
Make me identify with you
But the feeling shall remain
The emptiness remembered
The letdown revisited
Do I know you?

May be I hope beyond hope
May be you are busy
You would not find time
For the silly things I say
For those nothings I do
You may not after all care
You may treat it as a waste
I would wait for you and hope
But Do I know you

Shouldn’t I turn my gaze away?
Shouldn’t I plan a game alone?
Shouldn’t it make myself free?
But
The feelings remain
The emotions remain
The selves are entangled
The paths are intertwined
I feel hope weep for you
Shouldn’t you respond?
You will I know
But
Do I know you?

The smile will return
The friend will be seen
The concern will win
The love shall reign
And
The twine shall meet
I know
I know you well
You are mine
Mine forever
I do know you well
To say so!!!.
*************

I see, I see,
I see a mother in you

The fussing over me
The running after me
The care you take of me
The pains you take for me
The feeling of concern
The feeling of love
The ever forgiving nature
Make me feel that
I see, I see,
I see a mother in you

My clothes, my dress
My needs, my guests
My likes, my passions
My food, my taste
The sole guiding post
Your health
Your mood
Your likes
Your constraints
Are not heard any where
So
I see, I see,
I see a mother in you

The concern for my health
The advise of not too much
Not too may movies
That’s bad for eyes
The anger for my bad hunger
A little too less of food
That’s bad for health
The impatience for my dress
A shade too untidy
That’s bad for hygiene and looks
They make me see
See a mother in you

The disbelief—healthy and fresh
Of my assertions
The faith in my intentions
The selling out of all objections
The complete acceptance of my goals
The all out generosity that fills my coffers
The all evident frugality that makes me blush
The all-important caution
- Be careful in whatever you do
Makes me see
A mother in you

You don’t hesitate
To dress me up
To freshen me up
To keep m clothes ready
To cook my meals tasty
To clean me from head to toe
With an eye on detail- like for a child
No part is hidden from you
My being is a part of you
You care for it
You look after it
You make me, thus
See a mother in you

I remember the oil bath
The oil special shikakai special
The fussing over the timing
The effort and pains to anoint me
The care to feed me later
The happiness in seeing me happy
The care in cleaning me up throughout
The patience in waiting for
The hair to dry
And the agarbathi to die
Make me you see
See a mother in you

I know I can trust
Trust you with all my life
I know you would accept
Accept all my problems
I know you can rise
Rise up to come for me
I know you don’t care
Care for the noisy world
I know you are happy
Happy in having me around
I see, I see, my lady
I see a mother in you
***********************

I love you dear!

The rustling saree
The silky jacket
The smooth skin of your hand garland
The cocky neck, the bright eyes
The smiling face
The sweet smelling bosom
The inviting embrace
The touch and tease
The think and pose
The brightful cheer
The sounding bangles
The tight roped hair
The jumping gait
The eager looks
They all make me shudder
Make me love
Go mad
Go mad
Make love to you
I love you
I love you
I love your presence
That is every where around me
Is thought
And dream
I love you!!!
************

Home sick

I am feeling homesick—my home
Being your presence
I want to go home
To rush out of office
Scan all the buses
Get the first one out
Push my way in
Fight with every one
To get a seat
A passport to reunion
I will wait with bated breath
Wait for the journey to end
I will rush out at the dead of the night
Rush into your waiting arms
Rush into my home
My home in your breast
My home in your lap
I love you, lady
Love you for that !!!
**********************

Body talks

I know my lady
Your body talks
Are you angry?
You say ‘yes’
But your friendly fingers
Helpful toes
Inviting body
Say ‘No’

Do I kiss you
You say ‘No’
But your quivering lips
Say ’yes, please do’

Do I touch you
You say ”no”
But your lively skin
Says ‘yes,
Touch me here, there, everywhere
Touch me till
I come alive’.

Do I come near you
You say ‘ no’
But
Your inviting bosom
Heaves ‘ yes , I am waiting’

Do you love me
You say ‘ no’
But your heavenly eyes
Say ‘yes
I do
I do
I do’

Are you angry
You say ’yes’
But your erect nipples say
‘Angry?
What for?
For being fondled, kissed and sucked
No never!’

Do you like it
You say ‘ no’
But your arching back
Says’ yes, I’d like some more’

Shall I enter?
You say ‘no’
But those lovely legs
Throw themselves apart
Open up for me
And say ‘ yes! Please do!’

Do I hold you tight?
So tight that you may not breathe
So tight that you and me become one
Your say ’oh no! It hurts’
But
The searching arms
Demanding hug
And empty looks
Demand it
Now and here
‘Please hug me tight’

Do I look like dying for you?
You say ’no
No one ever dies for anyone else’
But
The concern in your eyes
The sudden caution in your gait
Say ‘ yes we believe
You can die for us
But we will take care
Take care of you!’

So my lady
I understand
I know
I know
Your body talks
******************
It is a long time

It is a long time
Since I ever came so close to anybody
I kept my own counsel
I was whole within myself
My best friend was none but me
I believed none else but me
I would be happy in myself
I would bottle up my sorrow
I would make plans
With no one to share
I would venture out
Only to return into my shell
I would be rather alone
Than with any one else
I am or was you could say
A one man island
No road leads you there
No entry was the only sign
I grew up
I was accepted by many
Many tried in vain
To pierce my armour
They were allowed
Only thus far and no further
I was an isolate
One your would find so rare
I was, I was
A Being unto myself
My father tried
To tell me good and bad
To coach me into the world so large
He would find me attentive
But only as far as the ear hears
I would then keep my own critic and planner
I would choose a pattern
Not anticipated by anyone
He wrote me off as another crank
My mother tried
To share her love
To show the concern
To cover me up in emotions
She too got to pry
Just so far into me
She stopped in her track
When the cold me she confronted
My sisters tried
To befriend me
To make me as much
A part of them as they could
They found me strange
Great behaviour
They slapped a title
And left me
Largely to myself
I was then
All alone you see

My brother tried
To share his secrets with me
I did give him an ear
And that was the end
He never got a word of hush from me
He labelled me as too old to mix up
And left me to myself

My friends you see
Came one after another
Some shared my views
Some my daily routine
Some were with me
In the quarrels of the day
They thought they knew me
They wanted to pry
Into the inner recesses
Of the being that was me
They cam sure
But left with a nagging doubt
They know me not
Not at all
I was happy
I was proud
I kept saying
I am whole in me
I would need never go near anyone
So close that I should open up to them

But now I shared
Shared my body with you
I have shared
Shared my mind with you
I have shared
Shared my past with you
You know me
Me the good guy
Me the bad guy
You know
You know the strength in me
You know the weak joint in my chain
You can see
See through me
I know
I have opened up
Let you pry
Search and see
The odd items I kept locked up so long
I grew to like you
Like you more by the day
I grew to trust you
Trust you with all that I have felt
I know I need you
Need you to be with me
I have then grown close to you
So close
So close
That
I have never been so close
To anyone before!!!
**********************